On Buying a House in Which to Place Children.


I was cleaning our humble little ranch this morning and thought back to the days long past when we were raising two children, dogs, cats etc. in this house, and it occurred to me that had anyone prepared us for what we encountered in a realistic fashion, it would really have been appreciated. So, if you are a young couple about to embark on life's journey together and are planning to buy a house in which you will be raising a family, I have some advice for you. My wife and I didn't encounter all of these issues, but they seem like common sense to me anyway.

1. Do not buy a new house. You have to realize that in the years to come, looking back at those pristine rooms you peeked into, that things haven't turned out so well. Make sure the house you buy has recently had children living in it. Lots of children.

2. Bring a block of Play-dough, a small stuffed animal and a baseball and try flushing each down all of the toilets, simultaneously if you want a really good field test. You want strong flushes. Also, look for standard toilets and not the "comfort height" taller style. You're young. Your knees can handle a little stress. They're little- it's a bad match. Consider a five-year old boy who wants to pee just like Daddy does. You want him peeing upwards?

3. Look for a house decorated in Autumnal colors, especially carpeting. These are colors that allow for stains created by spilled oatmeal, leaky diapers, dog poop, squashed frogs and vomit to sort of blend in naturally. The carpeting should also have a bit of a splotchy pattern to it for obvious reasons. And if you think you're going to get those stains off with carpet cleaner, oh you silly thing you! In fact, if you are not clinically depressed, repaint the walls in dark browns and black. Children find it hard not to walk through a room without sliding their hands along a wall. It's probably vertigo.

4. In a word, buy a ranch. Nothing sends a shiver down your spine and your medical bills soaring more than the terrifying sound of young tumbling body which had sought to walk down a flight of stairs balancing a book on her head just like a Princess could do. Sledding on stairs is also a distinct possibility.

5. Avoid ceramic tile. It shatters. End of discussion.

After purchasing your house, put child locks on everything that can open. Remove after your children are in college, maybe. Oh, and don't buy a cat. Cats hate people to begin with, and work well as pets only when given their "alone" time during the day. You may resent being deprived of your "alone time" as well, but it is hopefully not likely that you are going to gouge out chunks of flesh from your kids' faces over it. They also destroy things almost as much as kids do.

As to furnishings, buy used and spray for bedbugs. Consider distressing all your furniture beforehand and then varnish the hell out of any wooden objects. Don't buy bunk beds. Remember the stairs? Recliners aren't going to last long because the novelty never really wears off. And they can be used as catapults. "Let's see how far the cat will go". See, it all ties together.

If you can think of other tips, let me know on Facebook.